Guard Typology

Union Guard: "That's not in the contract." I'm on break." Complains often about "management". Purple t-shirt peaking from under uniform blouse.

Rambo Guard: 3 hidden knives, pepper spray and a stun gun, belt FULL of equipment pouches but without a gun. Dead serious expression, takes no guff. Sometimes seen as RoboGuard (see below). See also Tough Guards post.

Adlerian Guard  [not the Alder Guard (see Plant Guard below)  nor is it the Altair4 Guard ) This is the guard who is IN CHARGE and don't you forget it! "The sheriff has his problems too, he will surely take them out on you."-Warren Zevon

Plant Guard: Has the same presence and personality as that potted plant in the lobby. "What plant?" Exactly!

No Call/No Show Guard: The guard who was supposed to be on duty but didn't show up for work or call anyone that he wouldn't be in to work. Common to most sites. Also called the Unemployed Guard.

The Character Guard: Unique personality, uniform has various pins and do-dads and do-hickeys. May include a Hello Kitty pin. See also The Insane Guard.

Dealer Guard: Sells illegal drugs to your employees and other guards. Also called the Unemployed Guard.

Insane Guard: Employees go out of their way...literally...not to interact with this guard. They have been known to say memorable things. Often espouse interesting UFO, 9/11 and Illuminati stories.

Sleeping Guard: Self explanatory. Also called the Unemployed Guard.

RoboGuard: "What is your business", "You have to move that car", "I need to see some ID". "You think I'm kidding, Sir?"

Smart Guard: HaHa, just kidding, no such thing...right?

Pervert Guard: Gaze locked onto the ta tas and other bodily parts of the passing population. Seen leering openly. Sweaty palms. Mysteriously--Porn now on the local computers. Hitting on all living creatures and any shapely objects. Usual employee reaction? "ewwwwwww, gross".

Regular Guard: someone just serving time. Making the best of their situation. Just a regular guy/gal. Not adequately trained in Security but has opinions on Security things from movies they saw. Salt of the earth. Usually nice enough.

Creative Guard: This guard makes things happen. Increase in small fires, stolen property, etc. conducts interesting investigations where they solve the mystery. Different from Thief Guard below. Also call Munchausen Guard or "Soon to be Unemployed Guard".

Sports Freak Guard: self-explanatory. Runs the football pool. Knows the stats!

Non-Guarding Guard: Seen doing various duties around the site; except being a guard.

Thief Guard: Sudden increase in local stolen property within 1-2 weeks of his/her hiring. Amateur, easily set up by competent investigator or quickly confesses to interviewer (and no NOT the HR interview people.) Outsource this investigation folks.

Gold Digger Guard: Looking for a well paid husband or wife...at your site.

Over Qualified Guard. Lets you know this...daily. "I coulda been a contenda."

The Absent Guard: Adept at hiding, always "on break."  We have guards here?

Old or Fat Guard:  Are you worried he ain't goin' to be 'kung fu fightin'? Well, very few guards have ANY martial arts or fighting skills...they are supposed to use a phone, get a description and a license plate number for the cops; so old or young , fat or thin all they need is to be is paying attention. However these guards are not the best choice for intimidating kids or doing entrance ID checks at the strip club.( See Rambo and RoboGuards above for those jobs.)

The Smiling Guard: You hav' ta ask???  :)