Posts
“Which is not to excuse those security agents who are just doing a job. You do not escape responsibility for brutalizing someone just because you are being paid to do so. Taking money to strip them of rights should make your actions more and not less despicable. And, yet, agents hide their brutality behind "just doing my job" or "just following orders."...
“the "banality of evil". The banality when evil becomes an unthinking routine -- the agent who says "just doing my job and watching the clock while I violate your rights." Arendt writes, "The greatest evildoers are those who don't remember because they have never given thought to the matter." Wendy McElroy
There are some people you just can't please.
They have no honor, courage or selfless love. They do not even understand those concepts. Really; like children.
Reaction time of dead squirrels.
Analytical ability of road kill.
What do I owe you?
I have entered; pay attention to me, pay attention to me, pay attention to me; I matter!!!!.
Yes, Ma’am
It doesn’t matter if you do a good job…what matters is if they like you.
Asked opinion of new patron rules handout: noticed that 2 “felonies” became “misdemeanors”. Local manager says: Well they won’t read it anyway, I’m too busy to change it (Damn it man, I gave it 5 minutes thought, that’s a lot for security crap). Junior. manager. “Oh, they are not going to parse it.” So condescending as to be treacley. Great fun!
Remember, to them it is us who are the enemy. – N. F. Simpson
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. – Ashleigh Brilliant
Each and every time someone says “there ought to be a law” they are saying that men with guns should enforce their will on innocent others. – Michael Barnett
You are correct, most guards are in fact dumb as dirt. I too am often dumb.
Found wallet-gave to boss-woman claims it immediately-says thanks, I wave, she says to boss “isn’t he supposed to say something?”
Director does have time to instruct me to tell a man, sitting on the city street, 20 yds. beyond the building property line and our own ash tray, to stop smoking…remember the bosses make the rules per their individual sense of ‘right’. We must do & be seen doing “security” or lose our tenuous jobs.[So, knowing she is watching through the window, I walk over to said smoker and ask what he thinks of the weather. He finishes smoke and I return to building. Everyone is happy.]
This is a good Zen Job, though. 'All merit dedicated to all sentient beings!'
Guard says ‘good morning’—no need to acknowledge his existence.
OMG: A user bypassed log-on controls: go speak with him…no; that’s an IT problem.
“Being intelligent is not a felony. But most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.” Heinlein
Monday, May 31, 2010
Lobby Thoughts #10
Yes, asking you politely to follow the posted rules, is disrespecting you and deserving of my death.
Employees: Please say something derogatory about the guards in their hearing and get a laugh from your colleagues. Then walk by and glare at the guard, as if daring them to say something about your rude/childish/stereotypical/mean comment. We have thick professional skins but we remember and we will be sure to respond to your emergency request for assistance as fast as we can.
Employees: please panic on minor “emergencies”; give conflicting orders, tell as a fact what you guess is happening. Ie: All elevator alarms mean someone is stuck in elevator and OMG, you have do something immediately!
Yes, we have seen interracial/gay/gay interracial couples or triples and all combinations many times before…this is California dude, we are just modern guys.
Riiiiight! We have no idea that the tennis racket, staff, belt chain, golf club, “special” fanny pack, escrima baton, or cane you carry is actually a weapon. (We’re are however sure you have not really trained with it either.)
Yep; Never entered our minds that you might be here to consummate a drug deal; pass espionage comm. via meeting, dead drop or obscure chalk code, meet your lover, send harassing emails, research bombs or any other socially iffy action. Yep; no clue what-so-ever.
Enter door; look around; tick toc tick toc—oh a man at a desk; ticktoc, ticktoc; oh its has a sign on the desk; ticktoc; sign says “security”, tick toc, the guard is not saying anything, ticktoc ticktoc, ok I guess I do not need to stop.
Sorry, I don’t do stupid; except to avoid stupid..
The excuses you used with your Mom are less than convincing now that you are 30 y/o.
Sorry, your Bluetooth cell call is hard to differentiate from your 5150 self talk.
5/15/xx: Heard there was to be an “all staff” meeting at the end of June. Asked to be able to address the meeting for 5 minutes; I’m assured: no problemo.
6/27/xx asked if I could address the meeting to be held Friday. I’m told that ‘they forgot’ but would check. Sr. Dir has Mgr gets back saying agenda was too full to address security now.[ed. Or ever.] Mgr. says he will arrange a meeting w/ mops w/faces for me,ha haha. Remember you are nothing to the “elite” and nothing you could say could be in anyway useful. (The director is a woman who always gives a condescending smile to us little ones….we are in such awe!) You can be sure it was presented as “The guards wants to talk security at the meeting; haha.” “Well don’t piss them off; we need them to be snowed that we care about security (damn overhead when I only get $150k/yr.she thinks); Make something up.” “Guards don’t like being ignored?—no sweat-they are all frangible.” ‘Liability for security?—can’t sue city hall, haha.” Guard says: I love you guys. I’m glad you do not torture me too, for your entertainment!
Like the character in the asylum in movie One Flew One the Cuckoo’s Nest, who just silently smiled, pointed and "shot" his index finger at everyone.
Sorry, you can’t leave your bags here. You will allege we should have prevented their theft or you will accuse us of having stolen something in them. Please take it with you.
IT sup. expecting an early arrival at front door tells the clerk who moves around the building to expect her but not the guard actually stationed at the door.
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. – Mahatma Gandhi
“American guards are not just doing a job; they seem to be emotionally invested in it and swollen with an arrogant enjoyment of authority.” by unknown
Employees: Please say something derogatory about the guards in their hearing and get a laugh from your colleagues. Then walk by and glare at the guard, as if daring them to say something about your rude/childish/stereotypical/mean comment. We have thick professional skins but we remember and we will be sure to respond to your emergency request for assistance as fast as we can.
Employees: please panic on minor “emergencies”; give conflicting orders, tell as a fact what you guess is happening. Ie: All elevator alarms mean someone is stuck in elevator and OMG, you have do something immediately!
Yes, we have seen interracial/gay/gay interracial couples or triples and all combinations many times before…this is California dude, we are just modern guys.
Riiiiight! We have no idea that the tennis racket, staff, belt chain, golf club, “special” fanny pack, escrima baton, or cane you carry is actually a weapon. (We’re are however sure you have not really trained with it either.)
Yep; Never entered our minds that you might be here to consummate a drug deal; pass espionage comm. via meeting, dead drop or obscure chalk code, meet your lover, send harassing emails, research bombs or any other socially iffy action. Yep; no clue what-so-ever.
Enter door; look around; tick toc tick toc—oh a man at a desk; ticktoc, ticktoc; oh its has a sign on the desk; ticktoc; sign says “security”, tick toc, the guard is not saying anything, ticktoc ticktoc, ok I guess I do not need to stop.
Sorry, I don’t do stupid; except to avoid stupid..
The excuses you used with your Mom are less than convincing now that you are 30 y/o.
Sorry, your Bluetooth cell call is hard to differentiate from your 5150 self talk.
5/15/xx: Heard there was to be an “all staff” meeting at the end of June. Asked to be able to address the meeting for 5 minutes; I’m assured: no problemo.
6/27/xx asked if I could address the meeting to be held Friday. I’m told that ‘they forgot’ but would check. Sr. Dir has Mgr gets back saying agenda was too full to address security now.[ed. Or ever.] Mgr. says he will arrange a meeting w/ mops w/faces for me,ha haha. Remember you are nothing to the “elite” and nothing you could say could be in anyway useful. (The director is a woman who always gives a condescending smile to us little ones….we are in such awe!) You can be sure it was presented as “The guards wants to talk security at the meeting; haha.” “Well don’t piss them off; we need them to be snowed that we care about security (damn overhead when I only get $150k/yr.she thinks); Make something up.” “Guards don’t like being ignored?—no sweat-they are all frangible.” ‘Liability for security?—can’t sue city hall, haha.” Guard says: I love you guys. I’m glad you do not torture me too, for your entertainment!
Like the character in the asylum in movie One Flew One the Cuckoo’s Nest, who just silently smiled, pointed and "shot" his index finger at everyone.
Sorry, you can’t leave your bags here. You will allege we should have prevented their theft or you will accuse us of having stolen something in them. Please take it with you.
IT sup. expecting an early arrival at front door tells the clerk who moves around the building to expect her but not the guard actually stationed at the door.
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it. – Mahatma Gandhi
“American guards are not just doing a job; they seem to be emotionally invested in it and swollen with an arrogant enjoyment of authority.” by unknown
Lobby Thoughts #9
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.” P. J. O'Rourke
Staff & Supervisor: when guards report an unlocked door -that they were told must never be found unlocked- it is because we know that if items are missing, destroyed or vandalized it will be a blow to the organization, (we will be blamed too)…therefore laughing at us to our face for our “petty concerns” about finding said door left unlocked might be counterproductive. The average guard seeing this reaction might not continue to check that area at all…Damned unintended consequences again.
"I used to be disgusted, now I try to stay amused." Elvis Costello
Sure, tell me the government sucks, is evil and must be gone; then ask where the forms for the economic stimulus rebates are located.
We are not permitted editorial comments, aloud. A blog is another matter.
Yes, we are lucky. We get to take your stupid abuse and get paid poorly. But at least we are paid…
Welcome to The Mad House
Beware Fascist staff
Young man, don’t you know that your fear and defensiveness comes off you like an odor?
Everybody’s looking for something; I am not what you are looking for—you are not what I am looking for. Go away.
Remember all guards have exactly the same knowledge of crime, law and psychology..
Your mistake is that you have again equated niceness with weakness.
Please park your shopping cart out of other people’s way.
Too stupid to work an automatic door
“the crowd demands a show and then demands that you hold your attention and tongue while they perform.” by unknown
Upon his entry into the lobby, I mistake my rarely seen supervisor as another medicated 5150 he said that in addition to the union mandated 35 cent/hr raise due in Jan., I might see an additional raise at about the same time: I am feeling so motivated now, I don’t know what to say. If you didn't smell of whiskey, I might have lent you some credence.
“`When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’
`The question is,’ said Alice, `whether you can make words mean so many different things.’
`The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, `which is to be master — that’s all.’”
Alice-Lewis Carroll
No Bellicosity!
2 signs taped to lobby door by Super Admin. 2 signs in exact same format: 2 different messages for 2 different dates and importance...Sure, no chance there will be a problem boss!
If you hit me with that, it will just make me mad.
“Those are just donations?; Leave them there. Bye.” Staff manager..
Made by national policy and community/cultural input.
Welcome Oh Huddled Masses: This is the peaceful kingdom, a respite from worldly pressures.
Row 8, plot 30
On cell phone: “Yep, you can pick it up from the guard station, they’ll hold it for you.” hangs up. Then to the guard: “Hi, do you mind holding on to this until my sister comes in?”
Yes, you are so much smarter than us that you can say anything and we will believe you?
Hey should the guard be reading? It seems to me that they can’t pay attention to who enters if they do that. (Management: OMG, we’ll end that right now).
[Instead of asking—did the guard notice/ acknowledge you when you entered? Well, yessss; So they ARE paying attention, right? Well, yeah. So what is your complaint again?…Well, I don’t think it looks very professional. So appearances are more important than reality? Ummm?]
(So better they stand there at parade rest so you feel better and the good guards leave from boredom and the hopeless or brain dead stay? Pesky law of unintended consequences again and that damned road of good intentions.)
Oh my, how low profile are you! You enter and intently do not look at the guard, then, as you pass the next entry “line” you quickly look back to see if we are looking at you and “read” your loose ethics. Nicely done! Subtle!
You irrational “conversation” is trying our patience.
Employees: Security does not track your time, drug intake or your 2 hour lunch. Go for it.
Staff & Supervisor: when guards report an unlocked door -that they were told must never be found unlocked- it is because we know that if items are missing, destroyed or vandalized it will be a blow to the organization, (we will be blamed too)…therefore laughing at us to our face for our “petty concerns” about finding said door left unlocked might be counterproductive. The average guard seeing this reaction might not continue to check that area at all…Damned unintended consequences again.
"I used to be disgusted, now I try to stay amused." Elvis Costello
Sure, tell me the government sucks, is evil and must be gone; then ask where the forms for the economic stimulus rebates are located.
We are not permitted editorial comments, aloud. A blog is another matter.
Yes, we are lucky. We get to take your stupid abuse and get paid poorly. But at least we are paid…
Welcome to The Mad House
Beware Fascist staff
Young man, don’t you know that your fear and defensiveness comes off you like an odor?
Everybody’s looking for something; I am not what you are looking for—you are not what I am looking for. Go away.
Remember all guards have exactly the same knowledge of crime, law and psychology..
Your mistake is that you have again equated niceness with weakness.
Please park your shopping cart out of other people’s way.
Too stupid to work an automatic door
“the crowd demands a show and then demands that you hold your attention and tongue while they perform.” by unknown
Upon his entry into the lobby, I mistake my rarely seen supervisor as another medicated 5150 he said that in addition to the union mandated 35 cent/hr raise due in Jan., I might see an additional raise at about the same time: I am feeling so motivated now, I don’t know what to say. If you didn't smell of whiskey, I might have lent you some credence.
“`When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’
`The question is,’ said Alice, `whether you can make words mean so many different things.’
`The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, `which is to be master — that’s all.’”
Alice-Lewis Carroll
No Bellicosity!
2 signs taped to lobby door by Super Admin. 2 signs in exact same format: 2 different messages for 2 different dates and importance...Sure, no chance there will be a problem boss!
If you hit me with that, it will just make me mad.
“Those are just donations?; Leave them there. Bye.” Staff manager..
Made by national policy and community/cultural input.
Welcome Oh Huddled Masses: This is the peaceful kingdom, a respite from worldly pressures.
Row 8, plot 30
On cell phone: “Yep, you can pick it up from the guard station, they’ll hold it for you.” hangs up. Then to the guard: “Hi, do you mind holding on to this until my sister comes in?”
Yes, you are so much smarter than us that you can say anything and we will believe you?
Hey should the guard be reading? It seems to me that they can’t pay attention to who enters if they do that. (Management: OMG, we’ll end that right now).
[Instead of asking—did the guard notice/ acknowledge you when you entered? Well, yessss; So they ARE paying attention, right? Well, yeah. So what is your complaint again?…Well, I don’t think it looks very professional. So appearances are more important than reality? Ummm?]
(So better they stand there at parade rest so you feel better and the good guards leave from boredom and the hopeless or brain dead stay? Pesky law of unintended consequences again and that damned road of good intentions.)
Oh my, how low profile are you! You enter and intently do not look at the guard, then, as you pass the next entry “line” you quickly look back to see if we are looking at you and “read” your loose ethics. Nicely done! Subtle!
You irrational “conversation” is trying our patience.
Employees: Security does not track your time, drug intake or your 2 hour lunch. Go for it.
Lobby Thoughts #8
Is the guard paying attention? Check. OK he is.
We KNOW you can envision perfection. But remember that your critiques will not bring it about. (BTW, your vision of perfection might not be mine or anyone else’s. and perfection is an illusion/delusion anyway. Sorry.)
We are not here to enforce your world view.
Which door is the automatic door? The one with the 2 large yellow signs saying “Automatic Door”
Sure you can interrupt me to ask a stupid question…because I MUST SERVE you now!
“when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.” by unknown
Civilization begins with being civil.
My job is not based on re-enforcing your delusions. (except the one that says that someone else can secure and protect you).
Guard on parade: awaiting your critique, mate.
Got a question? Ask our staff, if we don’t know we can guess or make something up.
Staff member dealing w/ loud 5150 ‘job seeker’, to get rid of this obnoxious fellow, directs him to 2nd floor rather than out of the building. Just cause he doesn’t want to deal.
Watch me, watch you.
Visiting Police Officers: remember guards are crap compared to you; so no communication is necessary; just silently walk on by.
"fascinatingly stupid."
Please go the frak away.
Yep, just another wanna be cop! Move along, please.
Welcome Young and Stupid “Men”.
Cool! “Khymer Rouge wear”. Where is your machete and AK?
Sorry Ma’am; your interpretation of how things should be counts for nothing; but it is quaint. Please do not cry; rail against the dying of the light!
You are sooooo nice; there is no way I might suspect you are in fact a sociopathic criminal.
Do please ignore me as beneath your notice. It saves me having to deal with your arrogant pettiness and stupidity.
Threaten your kid with: “I’ll get the security guard to arrest you if you don’t do what I say!” Appreciated.
Sorry, we are not here to guard the stuff you left in the street.
“The figures are incongruent with anecdotal evidence.” by unknown
“you don’t get vexatious complaints for the sake of complaints”.by unknown
Same to you buddy!
Ay Matey; you have volunteered for work here and we better appreciate it or else!
Is everyone mentally ill?
Your disgusted expression says: God, I hate dealing with scum like you; your lips say something else…we do notice and are so professional we do not say or do anything. We just smile and say G'd Day, Sir!
Speaking to my back slows how quickly I can serve you.
I have no change for the parking meter..
I have no idea when the parking lot 2 blocks over closes, where the xyz company is, how often the meter maid drives by or if you will get a ticket for parking illegally on the street.
Just guards; not Immigration, besides this is California.
“Troublemaker is wearing a khaki shirt” Well, thanks but that is a black cotton hoodie sweatshirt, khaki is a tan color. “oh”
You are a taxpayer; therefore you can tell me what to do and how to do it. Based on your perception of events. Thank you!
“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. “ P. J. O'Rourke
We KNOW you can envision perfection. But remember that your critiques will not bring it about. (BTW, your vision of perfection might not be mine or anyone else’s. and perfection is an illusion/delusion anyway. Sorry.)
We are not here to enforce your world view.
Which door is the automatic door? The one with the 2 large yellow signs saying “Automatic Door”
Sure you can interrupt me to ask a stupid question…because I MUST SERVE you now!
“when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.” by unknown
Civilization begins with being civil.
My job is not based on re-enforcing your delusions. (except the one that says that someone else can secure and protect you).
Guard on parade: awaiting your critique, mate.
Got a question? Ask our staff, if we don’t know we can guess or make something up.
Staff member dealing w/ loud 5150 ‘job seeker’, to get rid of this obnoxious fellow, directs him to 2nd floor rather than out of the building. Just cause he doesn’t want to deal.
Watch me, watch you.
Visiting Police Officers: remember guards are crap compared to you; so no communication is necessary; just silently walk on by.
"fascinatingly stupid."
Please go the frak away.
Yep, just another wanna be cop! Move along, please.
Welcome Young and Stupid “Men”.
Cool! “Khymer Rouge wear”. Where is your machete and AK?
Sorry Ma’am; your interpretation of how things should be counts for nothing; but it is quaint. Please do not cry; rail against the dying of the light!
You are sooooo nice; there is no way I might suspect you are in fact a sociopathic criminal.
Do please ignore me as beneath your notice. It saves me having to deal with your arrogant pettiness and stupidity.
Threaten your kid with: “I’ll get the security guard to arrest you if you don’t do what I say!” Appreciated.
Sorry, we are not here to guard the stuff you left in the street.
“The figures are incongruent with anecdotal evidence.” by unknown
“you don’t get vexatious complaints for the sake of complaints”.by unknown
Same to you buddy!
Ay Matey; you have volunteered for work here and we better appreciate it or else!
Is everyone mentally ill?
Your disgusted expression says: God, I hate dealing with scum like you; your lips say something else…we do notice and are so professional we do not say or do anything. We just smile and say G'd Day, Sir!
Speaking to my back slows how quickly I can serve you.
I have no change for the parking meter..
I have no idea when the parking lot 2 blocks over closes, where the xyz company is, how often the meter maid drives by or if you will get a ticket for parking illegally on the street.
Just guards; not Immigration, besides this is California.
“Troublemaker is wearing a khaki shirt” Well, thanks but that is a black cotton hoodie sweatshirt, khaki is a tan color. “oh”
You are a taxpayer; therefore you can tell me what to do and how to do it. Based on your perception of events. Thank you!
“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. “ P. J. O'Rourke
Security Executives
It has been fascinating working for and with Security Executives. I was once once one too. I have met some interesting people.
Many are professionals and they are VERY GLAD they are not a guard!
One exec got fired for porn on his computer, the IT tech said he was logged onto porn sites for 4-8 hours a day in the privacy of his office. He had 80 gigs of porn on his hard drive.
Another one, writing my performance review, could find nothing to say except that my desk was not as clean as his and that I must emulate his housekeeping skills. BTW; there was not one word about security services or my job in said review. I "met expectations with some guidance necessary".
Another one took the fact that I saved the company $127k/yr by renegotiating a service provider contract, as an example of "borderline insubordination". I asked him to approve my action before implementation but he said. "I already handled it." He none the less told his bosses that HE had renegotiated the contract. He got a raise. I got "below expectations" in my review. No raise for me. I learned my lesson! Had he been shorted a kickback?--I don't know.
One boss told us he was going to "empower" us. He then delegated ALL his job to us, even executive committee presentations, critical investigations and the budget. The golf dates with his boss, he handled. I felt so empowered. His salary and bonuses were 2-3x ours.
I have had bosses (titled: Chief Security Executive) who were just the chief guard supervisor. Any bigger picture of corporate security was beyond them. I had to routinely fix one's computer because he could not stop clicking on the game and screen saver links on each web page. He fell for the "I Love You" email too.
I had a boss who traveled the globe for 2 weeks with his lover at the company's expense for "fact- finding" and benchmarking. He came back and had me write the lessons learned presentation based on his photos and my Internet research. I slipped in some changes I wanted to see at our firm; they were implemented! One takes one's victories where one can.
Bosses who were drunk all the time were great. They left me alone to do my job. Except for the occasional embarrassing meeting in their office where they told slured war stories.
I had a boss who was a kind, intelligent and sincere woman who knew all aspects of corporate security. What a rare pleasure. She got fired by another more senior woman executive for not "playing ball".
I had a gay boss who hit on me. I had a few racist bosses, who hated me based on my skin color. I had absent bosses who I never saw; I just ran the department. I worked for fools and geniuses, just like you have.
One boss accused me of throwing him under the bus. During an exec committee meeting I attended, another VP had an idea that would have caused deliveries throughout the site to be routinely delayed, by taking a longer route, simply because he didn't like to hear "truck noises" outside his window on the sixth floor. I made the serious error of explaining the losses that such rerouting would incur. I was not clued into the "truck noises" situation until later. He did not take this well. STFU. MYOB.
My first boss, a great guy, was sometimes slow. I asked for permission to take a university extension course on supervision on the company dime, on my time. He liked me and approved it. I gave him the certificate I received after 6 months of night school (great class!). He said. "Oh, I thought it was "Super Vision", that would help your eyesight." I said, Yes, it did help me see better.
I had bosses who blamed me for alienating their client, by making suggestions about repairing broken security equipment.' Liability smliability just work around useless equipment.' My bad.
Some of the worst corporate political hacks were the ex-cops. Insufferably arrogant, where all security was Law Enforcement lite. Theory X anyone?
HR and execs like hiring ex-cops (even if the cop was 20 years in Narcotics and Traffic) because "cops know security". No they don't. Without a badge to coerce cooperation, they are ineffective until re-educated. They do know investigations, and politics though and how to follow orders. So the CEO (or the CEO's wife) decides what is appropriate activity for the security department and can say "We own an ex-cop!
One boss routinely gave orders that would increase corporate liability and get HR seriously pissed off. We liked him, so we equally routinely modified such orders. 'Sorry boss, I must have misunderstood your orders.'
I have had to explain "Conversion", harassment, invasion of privacy, malfeasance and why hidden cameras can not be placed in restrooms.
I had one boss who fired a guard supervisor because he found out the man participated in firearms competitions each month on his own time. He said this was obviously indicative of someone who would go postal at work. We did not carry guns at this job. He also bad mouthed the man to other future employers as dangerous and threatening! HR no like! He was an ex-cop and we all know that only cops should have guns.-sarcasism-
I had bosses with no sense of humor. Any joke was insubordinate and showed that the teller was not serious about their job.
Did you know many guards are forced to join a guard union on penalty of not getting the job. Sweet scam for the guard union "execs". $65/month dues per guard. You work one day a month for the union. These folks call themselves Security Executives too!
Don't get me started on Homeland Security executives. I have not met one who was not equally ignorant and arrogant.
Me?, I'm no genius either but I try first to do no harm and avoid violating anyone's rights and 2nd, to earn my salary in a thoughtful, legal manner for the firm's benefit. Corporate Security is not rocket science, neither can it be ad-libbed. It is a Profession.
Many are professionals and they are VERY GLAD they are not a guard!
One exec got fired for porn on his computer, the IT tech said he was logged onto porn sites for 4-8 hours a day in the privacy of his office. He had 80 gigs of porn on his hard drive.
Another one, writing my performance review, could find nothing to say except that my desk was not as clean as his and that I must emulate his housekeeping skills. BTW; there was not one word about security services or my job in said review. I "met expectations with some guidance necessary".
Another one took the fact that I saved the company $127k/yr by renegotiating a service provider contract, as an example of "borderline insubordination". I asked him to approve my action before implementation but he said. "I already handled it." He none the less told his bosses that HE had renegotiated the contract. He got a raise. I got "below expectations" in my review. No raise for me. I learned my lesson! Had he been shorted a kickback?--I don't know.
One boss told us he was going to "empower" us. He then delegated ALL his job to us, even executive committee presentations, critical investigations and the budget. The golf dates with his boss, he handled. I felt so empowered. His salary and bonuses were 2-3x ours.
I have had bosses (titled: Chief Security Executive) who were just the chief guard supervisor. Any bigger picture of corporate security was beyond them. I had to routinely fix one's computer because he could not stop clicking on the game and screen saver links on each web page. He fell for the "I Love You" email too.
I had a boss who traveled the globe for 2 weeks with his lover at the company's expense for "fact- finding" and benchmarking. He came back and had me write the lessons learned presentation based on his photos and my Internet research. I slipped in some changes I wanted to see at our firm; they were implemented! One takes one's victories where one can.
Bosses who were drunk all the time were great. They left me alone to do my job. Except for the occasional embarrassing meeting in their office where they told slured war stories.
I had a boss who was a kind, intelligent and sincere woman who knew all aspects of corporate security. What a rare pleasure. She got fired by another more senior woman executive for not "playing ball".
I had a gay boss who hit on me. I had a few racist bosses, who hated me based on my skin color. I had absent bosses who I never saw; I just ran the department. I worked for fools and geniuses, just like you have.
One boss accused me of throwing him under the bus. During an exec committee meeting I attended, another VP had an idea that would have caused deliveries throughout the site to be routinely delayed, by taking a longer route, simply because he didn't like to hear "truck noises" outside his window on the sixth floor. I made the serious error of explaining the losses that such rerouting would incur. I was not clued into the "truck noises" situation until later. He did not take this well. STFU. MYOB.
My first boss, a great guy, was sometimes slow. I asked for permission to take a university extension course on supervision on the company dime, on my time. He liked me and approved it. I gave him the certificate I received after 6 months of night school (great class!). He said. "Oh, I thought it was "Super Vision", that would help your eyesight." I said, Yes, it did help me see better.
I had bosses who blamed me for alienating their client, by making suggestions about repairing broken security equipment.' Liability smliability just work around useless equipment.' My bad.
Some of the worst corporate political hacks were the ex-cops. Insufferably arrogant, where all security was Law Enforcement lite. Theory X anyone?
HR and execs like hiring ex-cops (even if the cop was 20 years in Narcotics and Traffic) because "cops know security". No they don't. Without a badge to coerce cooperation, they are ineffective until re-educated. They do know investigations, and politics though and how to follow orders. So the CEO (or the CEO's wife) decides what is appropriate activity for the security department and can say "We own an ex-cop!
One boss routinely gave orders that would increase corporate liability and get HR seriously pissed off. We liked him, so we equally routinely modified such orders. 'Sorry boss, I must have misunderstood your orders.'
I have had to explain "Conversion", harassment, invasion of privacy, malfeasance and why hidden cameras can not be placed in restrooms.
I had one boss who fired a guard supervisor because he found out the man participated in firearms competitions each month on his own time. He said this was obviously indicative of someone who would go postal at work. We did not carry guns at this job. He also bad mouthed the man to other future employers as dangerous and threatening! HR no like! He was an ex-cop and we all know that only cops should have guns.
I had bosses with no sense of humor. Any joke was insubordinate and showed that the teller was not serious about their job.
Did you know many guards are forced to join a guard union on penalty of not getting the job. Sweet scam for the guard union "execs". $65/month dues per guard. You work one day a month for the union. These folks call themselves Security Executives too!
Don't get me started on Homeland Security executives. I have not met one who was not equally ignorant and arrogant.
Me?, I'm no genius either but I try first to do no harm and avoid violating anyone's rights and 2nd, to earn my salary in a thoughtful, legal manner for the firm's benefit. Corporate Security is not rocket science, neither can it be ad-libbed. It is a Profession.
Lobby Thoughts #7
This guard desk & seat was apparently especially designed to facilitate backstabbing, ambush, throat-slitting and blunt force trauma by exiting miscreants. [By extension of course, only really stupid guards would give anyone any cause to so ambush them by, for example, enforcing the rules. Pesky law of unintended consequences.]
Please panic, then blame the responders.
Just cause you are clean and well dressed, does not mean you are not mentally ill. Look at me!
Please at least Fake having legitimate business while here.
Zombies Welcome: Please do not eat my brain.
Hmmm, I need special information should I ask at the Security Desk or the Information Desk. They are next to each other. I’ll ask Security!
No; you may not use my cell phone, use our clients' phone, “borrow” a cigarette, borrow any money, date me or have your ego stroked; go away now please.
Guarding: $11.00 per hour.
Psychological counseling: $200.00 per hour
Listening to your problems and your discovery of Selexia/Zoloft/lithium: Priceless
Don’t be selfish: Share your diseases!
No, we are not really nice—we just play like that at work; we are in fact violent psychopaths and would most seriously hurt you if we had the option.
BwahHaHaHAHAHAHA!
The automatic exit door does not work with “The Clapper” or by jumping up and down on the rug in front of it or by waving your arms around wildly. The clue would be the huge “Hands Free-Automatic Door” button right there next to you. [Yes, it is "automatic" yes, one must use one's hand, butt, foot, shopping cart, cane or child's nose to push the button, similar to doors you push open with your hands or feet---but its got a button!.]
Yes, your kids mean more than anything else in the world; like respect for anyone else.
Protection?: Some but mostly catering to your vanity.
Yes, we are all secretly attracted to you and want you! We are just trying to control ourselves. Move along, Please.
“…my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives” by unknown
Just cause your uncle touched your ta ta doesn’t mean I want to, little girl. Move along.
Do you also think that someone who cheerfully takes away one basic liberty, “because it’s for your own good”, will hesitate for one second at taking away any and all other liberties? by unknown
We know that your convivial conversation is in fact designed to put us at our ease so that we may be inclined to ignore transgressions, make exceptions or to set us up for a more concerted use to our detriment. Oh, and have a nice day too!
Analytical thinking—try it free.
Sorry Ma’am, I cannot stop youths, passing on the street, from using foul language and “polluting the environment”.
Yep, all guards are the same as the one you met 10 years ago. Actually all guards are “mind clones” of the soldier who stabbed Christ in the side with the spear.
Security Desk: Look away quickly; so you don’t attract attention.
Lie to the guard. Everyone else does.
Please panic, then blame the responders.
Just cause you are clean and well dressed, does not mean you are not mentally ill. Look at me!
Please at least Fake having legitimate business while here.
Zombies Welcome: Please do not eat my brain.
Hmmm, I need special information should I ask at the Security Desk or the Information Desk. They are next to each other. I’ll ask Security!
No; you may not use my cell phone, use our clients' phone, “borrow” a cigarette, borrow any money, date me or have your ego stroked; go away now please.
Guarding: $11.00 per hour.
Psychological counseling: $200.00 per hour
Listening to your problems and your discovery of Selexia/Zoloft/lithium: Priceless
Don’t be selfish: Share your diseases!
No, we are not really nice—we just play like that at work; we are in fact violent psychopaths and would most seriously hurt you if we had the option.
BwahHaHaHAHAHAHA!
The automatic exit door does not work with “The Clapper” or by jumping up and down on the rug in front of it or by waving your arms around wildly. The clue would be the huge “Hands Free-Automatic Door” button right there next to you. [Yes, it is "automatic" yes, one must use one's hand, butt, foot, shopping cart, cane or child's nose to push the button, similar to doors you push open with your hands or feet---but its got a button!.]
Yes, your kids mean more than anything else in the world; like respect for anyone else.
Protection?: Some but mostly catering to your vanity.
Yes, we are all secretly attracted to you and want you! We are just trying to control ourselves. Move along, Please.
“…my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives” by unknown
Just cause your uncle touched your ta ta doesn’t mean I want to, little girl. Move along.
Do you also think that someone who cheerfully takes away one basic liberty, “because it’s for your own good”, will hesitate for one second at taking away any and all other liberties? by unknown
We know that your convivial conversation is in fact designed to put us at our ease so that we may be inclined to ignore transgressions, make exceptions or to set us up for a more concerted use to our detriment. Oh, and have a nice day too!
Analytical thinking—try it free.
Sorry Ma’am, I cannot stop youths, passing on the street, from using foul language and “polluting the environment”.
Yep, all guards are the same as the one you met 10 years ago. Actually all guards are “mind clones” of the soldier who stabbed Christ in the side with the spear.
Security Desk: Look away quickly; so you don’t attract attention.
Lie to the guard. Everyone else does.
Lobby Thoughts #6
Contamination Vector Dispersal Area: Please cough, spit, sneeze, pee & poop in marked areas only.
"It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance."
Thomas Sowell
We only feel sorry for 5% of our patrons. You are not in that 5%.
Superiority Complex Zone: Guaranteed satisfaction. Self Effacement on demand!
Self and Other Hater’s Ball: Welcome
Please DO meet me after work; I don’t have to be so restrained then and can exercise my inner demons and issues.
Sure breast feed anywhere, your rights are paramount. But then make sure to complain because some guy looked at you while you fed your baby.
If it is important operating information; you better tell each guard—telling one guard will be received as their personal briefing and it will not be shared with anyone else—except perhaps their friends, off duty.
Not a Tea Room. Please make your assignations elsewhere.
Our RFID theft detection system is so slow that we cannot trust it. Union IT—what ya going to do?
Mumble Zone: Please try to Enunciate More Clearly
Public Building: Open to the Public: Yes, you can come in too!
Lost and Found: If we like it we’ll keep it, otherwise it rests in limbo until stolen or thrown out. (said by client staff manager)
Who is John Galt?
WWJBD?
Your Kid’s Screaming: Testing Zone: 10 points for shattering that wine glass.
The RFID system going off does not require you show us the items you stole—rather we need to see the receipt to confirm the theft of a particular item.
Posing and Posturing Here; take a number
Fascist Pigs: 1 You: 0
Personal Rights Zone: Make them up as you go!
Yes, Ma’am, I heard you, but I do not know how to respond to your statement: “they are trying to kill all the kangaroos and local residents”
No, We do not want to be your special friend. Go away and Have A Nice Day!
You think the visitors are nuts, you ain’t seen the staff!
OCD? Please do not tap the guard’s desk, telephone or arm.
No, I do not want to shake your hand upon entry…we are not friends or doing business together.
Actually your life is not fascinating. Neither is you kid’s, brother’s, mother’s or friend’s. Please go away.
Safe Zone: Talk to Yourself Out loud here! (But not too loud and no announcements about how you are “Going To Kill Us All”, please)
The sign saying ‘Closing Early Today’ does indeed say and mean ‘Closing Early Today’; it is not my personal error or decision.
Cough on Guard Contest Here: Please observe the foot fault line.
Yes, “the clothes make the man”. Your clothes make you an idiot.
Sorry if I do not seem overjoyed to see you. The guy behind you is waving a stick and my facial expression reflects my concern for him, you & me.
Full Moon Today: please leave demons, imps and magical creatures outside.
Need Help?: Please wander around in circles until asked by staff if we can assist.
Yes! I’m just the way you think I am. You define me! Thanks!
Yes, our rug is evil! It intentionally tripped you. 500 people today managed not to trip on it but, hey, …you must sue!
I don’t care about your problems! Go away, please!
Don’t worry Ma’am, we will not molest your children. You however…
Please report all emergencies, today. Earlier if you’d like us to actually do something.
You are RIGHT—Life is not Fair! You have been singled out for difficulties above what you deserve! We are so so sorry!
Remind us yet again that age does not equal maturity
Yes, you are the most beautiful person we have ever seen! Move along, please.
You may be stupid but at least u r not a gard!
Yes you are the toughest hombre we have ever seen! I am so terrified! Move along please. Next...
"It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance."
Thomas Sowell
We only feel sorry for 5% of our patrons. You are not in that 5%.
Superiority Complex Zone: Guaranteed satisfaction. Self Effacement on demand!
Self and Other Hater’s Ball: Welcome
Please DO meet me after work; I don’t have to be so restrained then and can exercise my inner demons and issues.
Sure breast feed anywhere, your rights are paramount. But then make sure to complain because some guy looked at you while you fed your baby.
If it is important operating information; you better tell each guard—telling one guard will be received as their personal briefing and it will not be shared with anyone else—except perhaps their friends, off duty.
Not a Tea Room. Please make your assignations elsewhere.
Our RFID theft detection system is so slow that we cannot trust it. Union IT—what ya going to do?
Mumble Zone: Please try to Enunciate More Clearly
Public Building: Open to the Public: Yes, you can come in too!
Lost and Found: If we like it we’ll keep it, otherwise it rests in limbo until stolen or thrown out. (said by client staff manager)
Who is John Galt?
WWJBD?
Your Kid’s Screaming: Testing Zone: 10 points for shattering that wine glass.
The RFID system going off does not require you show us the items you stole—rather we need to see the receipt to confirm the theft of a particular item.
Posing and Posturing Here; take a number
Fascist Pigs: 1 You: 0
Personal Rights Zone: Make them up as you go!
Yes, Ma’am, I heard you, but I do not know how to respond to your statement: “they are trying to kill all the kangaroos and local residents”
No, We do not want to be your special friend. Go away and Have A Nice Day!
You think the visitors are nuts, you ain’t seen the staff!
OCD? Please do not tap the guard’s desk, telephone or arm.
No, I do not want to shake your hand upon entry…we are not friends or doing business together.
Actually your life is not fascinating. Neither is you kid’s, brother’s, mother’s or friend’s. Please go away.
Safe Zone: Talk to Yourself Out loud here! (But not too loud and no announcements about how you are “Going To Kill Us All”, please)
The sign saying ‘Closing Early Today’ does indeed say and mean ‘Closing Early Today’; it is not my personal error or decision.
Cough on Guard Contest Here: Please observe the foot fault line.
Yes, “the clothes make the man”. Your clothes make you an idiot.
Sorry if I do not seem overjoyed to see you. The guy behind you is waving a stick and my facial expression reflects my concern for him, you & me.
Full Moon Today: please leave demons, imps and magical creatures outside.
Need Help?: Please wander around in circles until asked by staff if we can assist.
Yes! I’m just the way you think I am. You define me! Thanks!
Yes, our rug is evil! It intentionally tripped you. 500 people today managed not to trip on it but, hey, …you must sue!
I don’t care about your problems! Go away, please!
Don’t worry Ma’am, we will not molest your children. You however…
Please report all emergencies, today. Earlier if you’d like us to actually do something.
You are RIGHT—Life is not Fair! You have been singled out for difficulties above what you deserve! We are so so sorry!
Remind us yet again that age does not equal maturity
Yes, you are the most beautiful person we have ever seen! Move along, please.
You may be stupid but at least u r not a gard!
Yes you are the toughest hombre we have ever seen! I am so terrified! Move along please. Next...
Lobby Thoughts #5
Sorry, I don’t speak psycho.
We never share personal information about ourselves with you; we KNOW you will use it against us.
You once read a WSJ article on security guards…and now you feel you know more than any guard about security. Cool; do you feel the same way about, for example, paragliding, string theory or Buddhism?
We will respect you, until you show you do not deserve it…at which time we will still show you politeness.
Yes Ma’am: Your husband/son/boyfriend is far superior to me. After all they are a cop/engineer/bellboy/welfare recipient and I am nothing. Thanks!
Passive Aggressive Control Freaks: Apply for work here.
"We have simplistic solutions being proposed to immensely complex problems - which clearly do not really think through the extended 3rd and 4th order effects”.
http://thedonovan.com/archives/2008/08/the_logic_of_fa.html
We can all see that you hate yourself; please don’t take it out on us. Just kill yourself. Elsewhere, please. I hate writing such reports.
In a regular job one has 2-3 people in their chain of command who can get them fired. In a public place job, each customer has the ability to get you fired. Best way to keep your job is to be subservient, be trusted and never never standing up for what is right—except in self-defense---then carefully..
When on the phone expect there to be literally 100% increase in questions. “Look at me, I matter!!!” OK, I'm here to serve. BTW; I was just talking to the 911 operator about a lost child...nothing as important as what you want.
The restroom is located: ______________________
We close at: _______________________________
Repeat 300 times a day.
Staff makes up and/or interprets the rules as they please and then insists guards enforce their personal rule or interpretation.
Please try to not get so wasted that you forget to pickup your kids at closing time.
Staff members: how exactly will you “back up” your fellow employee, who is outside berating a psycho patron who has already exited the building? Perhaps mention the problem to the guard standing 5 steps away?
Do you think you are their mom?
Yes, that big “Free Wi-Fi ” sign does mean here..
Invisible Guard: Look through us.
Clothes washed in urine are uncool.
No, I'm not a sadist; you'll have to find someone else to dress in a uniform and hit you.
When the blind person approaches the doors, please open the door in front of them not the one to their side. You might say something too when their cane passes into the open side but they are aligned with the closed side.
OMG, I am so afraid of you! Please do not glare so hard, it hurts!
Linear thinking is not the only way to think. But if you do A-B-C-D-E, do not wonder how F-G occurred.
“Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men, but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen.” Compton Mackenzie
Please try not to squish your kid in the automatic doors.
Responsibility Free Zone: It is not your fault, it is someone else’s.
Desk of Officer Krupke
“Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” ~ Galatians 4:16
So she is embarrassed that a 5150 scared her. She is distraught. She waits 2 days to report it to security (she tells her friends first, Refuses to report it to police, blames guards for not being there during the 5 second interaction when she broke down and bawled like a baby, therefore… wait for it…she should sue the guards!
We never share personal information about ourselves with you; we KNOW you will use it against us.
You once read a WSJ article on security guards…and now you feel you know more than any guard about security. Cool; do you feel the same way about, for example, paragliding, string theory or Buddhism?
We will respect you, until you show you do not deserve it…at which time we will still show you politeness.
Yes Ma’am: Your husband/son/boyfriend is far superior to me. After all they are a cop/engineer/bellboy/welfare recipient and I am nothing. Thanks!
Passive Aggressive Control Freaks: Apply for work here.
"We have simplistic solutions being proposed to immensely complex problems - which clearly do not really think through the extended 3rd and 4th order effects”.
http://thedonovan.com/archives/2008/08/the_logic_of_fa.html
We can all see that you hate yourself; please don’t take it out on us. Just kill yourself. Elsewhere, please. I hate writing such reports.
In a regular job one has 2-3 people in their chain of command who can get them fired. In a public place job, each customer has the ability to get you fired. Best way to keep your job is to be subservient, be trusted and never never standing up for what is right—except in self-defense---then carefully..
When on the phone expect there to be literally 100% increase in questions. “Look at me, I matter!!!” OK, I'm here to serve. BTW; I was just talking to the 911 operator about a lost child...nothing as important as what you want.
The restroom is located: ______________________
We close at: _______________________________
Repeat 300 times a day.
Staff makes up and/or interprets the rules as they please and then insists guards enforce their personal rule or interpretation.
Please try to not get so wasted that you forget to pickup your kids at closing time.
Staff members: how exactly will you “back up” your fellow employee, who is outside berating a psycho patron who has already exited the building? Perhaps mention the problem to the guard standing 5 steps away?
Do you think you are their mom?
Yes, that big “Free Wi-Fi ” sign does mean here..
Invisible Guard: Look through us.
Clothes washed in urine are uncool.
No, I'm not a sadist; you'll have to find someone else to dress in a uniform and hit you.
When the blind person approaches the doors, please open the door in front of them not the one to their side. You might say something too when their cane passes into the open side but they are aligned with the closed side.
OMG, I am so afraid of you! Please do not glare so hard, it hurts!
Linear thinking is not the only way to think. But if you do A-B-C-D-E, do not wonder how F-G occurred.
“Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men, but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen.” Compton Mackenzie
Please try not to squish your kid in the automatic doors.
Responsibility Free Zone: It is not your fault, it is someone else’s.
Desk of Officer Krupke
“Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” ~ Galatians 4:16
So she is embarrassed that a 5150 scared her. She is distraught. She waits 2 days to report it to security (she tells her friends first, Refuses to report it to police, blames guards for not being there during the 5 second interaction when she broke down and bawled like a baby, therefore… wait for it…she should sue the guards!
Management 101
MacGregor's Theory X Management is alive and well in the guard industry. Perhaps rightfully so. Forget Maslow's Theory Z, forget The Farther Reaches of Human Nature (http://www.amazon.com/Farther-Reaches-Human-Nature-Compass/dp/0140194703). You better tow the line buddy.
Drive By Awarding: A guard won Officer of the Month last November (of 1,500 possible winners) (comes with a plaque and a $50.00 check!). His supervisor drove on the guard's clients' site, honking his horn like a mad man. When the guard responded (with a smile, of course) the award was thrust into his hands with a brusk "Here, good job, gotta go" The supervisor drove off at a high rate of speed. The guard waves and says "Thanks!" I'm feeling soooo motivated now!
Client manager explains why the guard is unarmed in this cash heavy environment: "If you have a gun, robbers will bring a gun. If you are unarmed they won't." WOW! I hadn't understood the dynamics.
District VP: "The reason there has been few problems here is that the locals won't misbehave because they do not want the facility to leave the area." Yes, all 5150s and criminals are known for their selfless and rational altruistic cost benefit analysis.
If there is a routine security problem that causes much extra work for just the guards; it is judged not important enough for management to actually think about or act. After all it is “what we pay the guards to do”. But Sire we have a solution that will make you and your property safer, be cheap or free, involve no work for you or yours and will actually work well, just as it has for hundreds of other firms… ”Not worth me thinking about, go away lazy punk guard”.
We are required to have a positive attitude or we get fired. We are required to enforce petty rules, except we are not really expected to force the issue. The bosses will rarely back you up. We make just enough to stay alive and housed. We are thought inferior to even the stupidest of humanity. We are the new slaves…no racial component in this title; for you PC and racist readers. (if any one actually reads this!)
I do like playing to your assumption that I am an idiot. “Duh, I wouldn’t know 'bout that; my boss didn’t say nothing ‘bout that.” the Passive Aggressive defence option.
Master degreed boss: “Windows Explorer and Internet Explorer are the same, you dolt.” OK, what ever you say, boss.
Martinet boss (small man’s syndrome): "NO, you must do this per my interpretation and opinion"…later, when corrected by his boss, he sees himself as having been always right and the guard who questioned his illegal order is now in his mind a trouble-maker; but he can’t remember the details of why he feels that guard is a problem but he will thenceforth treat the guard poorly. In fact he will vaguely remember that the guard had done something wrong and is in fact an idiot. Nice being management and always right, isn’t it?
Dude, don’t you get it? Your bosses do not care about security at all; nada, zilch. (Exception: entertainment value or if in the middle of a problem.)
How to be a wonderful security guard: Always smile (and mean it! Your eyes must smile too!), be nice & classically polite, relaxed and don’t question anything currently existing: remember your bosses are always right. This way you may remain; until the next budget cut. Do not bring up high level security problems; they will be taken as insults by your bosses.
Boss: I may speak to you like an equal…but NEVER forget your place.
The petty ruling "elite" must routinely employ the “nuclear option” on their subordinates. Their rule is one of Machiavellian Total War. Find something the subordinate cares about (or seems to care about) and then attack them at that point….for trivial non-compliance with orders, for example. This is a deep-seated fear that they (the managers) are in fact Nothing and someone will see through the truth of their Nothingness. [ed: Really Dude: we are ALL Nothing or at best, bits of star dust] So for these poor souls, a pre-emptive strike is Always appropriate. They do not see that their bosses, who see this M.O., can then in turn, easily manipulate them into just following their orders without question. For the greatest fear is that they will lose their Job and therefore will lose their Identity. Subordinates questioning their orders or possibly/seemingly knowing something/anything more than they do is also such a world ending personal attack. Be not surprised by these managers lashing out at their subordinates.
Management texts recommend hiring people smarter than you. In reality, many managers perception of their survival requires that they hire people less intelligent, dedicated and perceptive then they and easily cowed. Over a few organizational "generations" this leads to really stupid people being in charge.(however see also: HBR: Why Managers Don't Think Deeply and 'Power unleashes Changes in the Brain.
Co-employment: The client's manager heard something about it. So the contract guard may now not answer any questions about the business, except the most stupidly obvious ones. However the boss then tells the guard where she can and can't sit, when and if to take breaks, what rules and laws to enforce, where to stand and the guard must ask each time they want to use the restroom. [Dude: some of us understand co-employment and Agency fairly well and are very careful not to incur potential liabilities to your firm.]
BTW: I used to be a manager until my naiveté to these realities became my downfall. I hate political BS. Perhaps this is one reason I use this blog as a catharsis. ;)
I'm just a dumb, cooperative and pleasant guard, boss!
In some environments one must live a Stealth Life and be a Stainless Steel Rat, living in the wainscoating of the business. (http://www.amazon.com/Stainless-Steel-Rat-Harry-Harrison/dp/1857984986/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275331456&sr=8-1)
I do understand that if my current bosses' identify me from this blog, I will probably lose my job. Perhaps I am again being naive. :)
Drive By Awarding: A guard won Officer of the Month last November (of 1,500 possible winners) (comes with a plaque and a $50.00 check!). His supervisor drove on the guard's clients' site, honking his horn like a mad man. When the guard responded (with a smile, of course) the award was thrust into his hands with a brusk "Here, good job, gotta go" The supervisor drove off at a high rate of speed. The guard waves and says "Thanks!" I'm feeling soooo motivated now!
Client manager explains why the guard is unarmed in this cash heavy environment: "If you have a gun, robbers will bring a gun. If you are unarmed they won't." WOW! I hadn't understood the dynamics.
District VP: "The reason there has been few problems here is that the locals won't misbehave because they do not want the facility to leave the area." Yes, all 5150s and criminals are known for their selfless and rational altruistic cost benefit analysis.
If there is a routine security problem that causes much extra work for just the guards; it is judged not important enough for management to actually think about or act. After all it is “what we pay the guards to do”. But Sire we have a solution that will make you and your property safer, be cheap or free, involve no work for you or yours and will actually work well, just as it has for hundreds of other firms… ”Not worth me thinking about, go away lazy punk guard”.
We are required to have a positive attitude or we get fired. We are required to enforce petty rules, except we are not really expected to force the issue. The bosses will rarely back you up. We make just enough to stay alive and housed. We are thought inferior to even the stupidest of humanity. We are the new slaves…no racial component in this title; for you PC and racist readers. (if any one actually reads this!)
I do like playing to your assumption that I am an idiot. “Duh, I wouldn’t know 'bout that; my boss didn’t say nothing ‘bout that.” the Passive Aggressive defence option.
Master degreed boss: “Windows Explorer and Internet Explorer are the same, you dolt.” OK, what ever you say, boss.
Martinet boss (small man’s syndrome): "NO, you must do this per my interpretation and opinion"…later, when corrected by his boss, he sees himself as having been always right and the guard who questioned his illegal order is now in his mind a trouble-maker; but he can’t remember the details of why he feels that guard is a problem but he will thenceforth treat the guard poorly. In fact he will vaguely remember that the guard had done something wrong and is in fact an idiot. Nice being management and always right, isn’t it?
Dude, don’t you get it? Your bosses do not care about security at all; nada, zilch. (Exception: entertainment value or if in the middle of a problem.)
How to be a wonderful security guard: Always smile (and mean it! Your eyes must smile too!), be nice & classically polite, relaxed and don’t question anything currently existing: remember your bosses are always right. This way you may remain; until the next budget cut. Do not bring up high level security problems; they will be taken as insults by your bosses.
Boss: I may speak to you like an equal…but NEVER forget your place.
The petty ruling "elite" must routinely employ the “nuclear option” on their subordinates. Their rule is one of Machiavellian Total War. Find something the subordinate cares about (or seems to care about) and then attack them at that point….for trivial non-compliance with orders, for example. This is a deep-seated fear that they (the managers) are in fact Nothing and someone will see through the truth of their Nothingness. [ed: Really Dude: we are ALL Nothing or at best, bits of star dust] So for these poor souls, a pre-emptive strike is Always appropriate. They do not see that their bosses, who see this M.O., can then in turn, easily manipulate them into just following their orders without question. For the greatest fear is that they will lose their Job and therefore will lose their Identity. Subordinates questioning their orders or possibly/seemingly knowing something/anything more than they do is also such a world ending personal attack. Be not surprised by these managers lashing out at their subordinates.
Management texts recommend hiring people smarter than you. In reality, many managers perception of their survival requires that they hire people less intelligent, dedicated and perceptive then they and easily cowed. Over a few organizational "generations" this leads to really stupid people being in charge.(however see also: HBR: Why Managers Don't Think Deeply and 'Power unleashes Changes in the Brain.
Co-employment: The client's manager heard something about it. So the contract guard may now not answer any questions about the business, except the most stupidly obvious ones. However the boss then tells the guard where she can and can't sit, when and if to take breaks, what rules and laws to enforce, where to stand and the guard must ask each time they want to use the restroom. [Dude: some of us understand co-employment and Agency fairly well and are very careful not to incur potential liabilities to your firm.]
BTW: I used to be a manager until my naiveté to these realities became my downfall. I hate political BS. Perhaps this is one reason I use this blog as a catharsis. ;)
I'm just a dumb, cooperative and pleasant guard, boss!
In some environments one must live a Stealth Life and be a Stainless Steel Rat, living in the wainscoating of the business. (http://www.amazon.com/Stainless-Steel-Rat-Harry-Harrison/dp/1857984986/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275331456&sr=8-1)
I do understand that if my current bosses' identify me from this blog, I will probably lose my job. Perhaps I am again being naive. :)
Lobby Thoughts #4
You are all perfect as you are.
That’s OK my children, bless you all
It is NOT Personal! They do not know you; don’t escalate it because they hurt your feelings.
They know not what they do.
You are not a victim; you are a human; make what you will of it.
It is critical to our job retention that we remember at ALL times: We are nothing.
Not everyone is going to love you all the time.
All these comments are generated in resentment of the human condition wherein one has forgotten that all are perfect as they are…even our resentment is perfect.
If in doubt; blame the guard…but of course you have no doubt.
Please let me tell you what behavior we are concerned about before you start your denials.
The Public: common denominator is fear
IOU respect; you owe me no respect.
She works at another branch, it is up to her to judge my competence!
Sorry, hard for me to welcome known thieves; please do take it personally.
Nice insecticide perfume(O’d’Raid?); please keep moving, please.
Our professional staff to 5150(psycho) patron: “Go f**k yourself.”--That'll calm the situation, good job.
Yes Ma’am: We are required to permit that raving lunatic into the building.
We must always be available to our bosses; our bosses might be available to us, at their leisure, if they are not doing something more important, like golfing, drinking or surfing porn on their company computer.
'The philosophy of the school room in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next.' Abraham Lincoln
We understand we are less than a janitor to you; until you need us…and like a needed janitor we are quickly forgotten after we clean up the mess.See Tommy Atkins.
Thanks for all the fish though!
Our guard partner set us up and threw us under the bus just for something to do, to alleviate their boredom.
Yes, your 22 years of life experience empowers you to judge us all. Nice red hunting hat too.
Oh sorry, you looked sane to me, my bad. Welllll; OK then, have a nice day!
If I work here any longer, I will eventually only be able to grunt….as anything else will be misinterpreted, over their head or not be heard.
That’s OK my children, bless you all
It is NOT Personal! They do not know you; don’t escalate it because they hurt your feelings.
They know not what they do.
You are not a victim; you are a human; make what you will of it.
It is critical to our job retention that we remember at ALL times: We are nothing.
Not everyone is going to love you all the time.
All these comments are generated in resentment of the human condition wherein one has forgotten that all are perfect as they are…even our resentment is perfect.
If in doubt; blame the guard…but of course you have no doubt.
Please let me tell you what behavior we are concerned about before you start your denials.
The Public: common denominator is fear
IOU respect; you owe me no respect.
She works at another branch, it is up to her to judge my competence!
Sorry, hard for me to welcome known thieves; please do take it personally.
Nice insecticide perfume(O’d’Raid?); please keep moving, please.
Our professional staff to 5150(psycho) patron: “Go f**k yourself.”--That'll calm the situation, good job.
Yes Ma’am: We are required to permit that raving lunatic into the building.
We must always be available to our bosses; our bosses might be available to us, at their leisure, if they are not doing something more important, like golfing, drinking or surfing porn on their company computer.
'The philosophy of the school room in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next.' Abraham Lincoln
We understand we are less than a janitor to you; until you need us…and like a needed janitor we are quickly forgotten after we clean up the mess.See Tommy Atkins.
Thanks for all the fish though!
Our guard partner set us up and threw us under the bus just for something to do, to alleviate their boredom.
Yes, your 22 years of life experience empowers you to judge us all. Nice red hunting hat too.
Oh sorry, you looked sane to me, my bad. Welllll; OK then, have a nice day!
If I work here any longer, I will eventually only be able to grunt….as anything else will be misinterpreted, over their head or not be heard.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Lobby Thoughts #3
Problem Solving Skills Revealed: Everyday & at all times!
Maturity Check Point: Pass/Fail grading
Civility Lessons: free to try
Your parenting skills demonstrated. Your kids’ years of therapy are ensured. Good Job!
Hand-Eye Coordination: Tested at the door.
Ahimsa! or I’ll kick your ass.!
Conscious and Unconscious Prejudice Review: please communicate by facial expressions
Frustration Testing: Wait here a second. Please.
Common courtesy? What are you talking about?
Inaccurate Information Desk: Questions answered at your own risk.
OMG, I do NOT talk to guards!
Mental Acuity Check: Please proceed without stopping.
Check Out Our Staff! Please!
Insult Room: Ask about our specials.
Obvious Answers Given Here
Right! Like you do not radiate; “I can’t be trusted”; I’m totally fooled!
Complain, it will make you feel better; or not. We just appear to care.
Resentment Check here. Best frowns only please.
Entitlement Center: You deserve it!
We really can’t help you; or anybody, really.
OMG; The guard speaks! Will wonders never cease?
Keeping a Straight Face: Master Lessons Here.
Yep, still working!
Today’s intelligence test:
Sally and Sam are the same age. Sam is 25. How old is Sally?
(My Guard partner, in all seriousness says: 18!)
Personal Media User Isolation Test: Blink twice for access
Be Rude! Everyone else is! Don’t be different.
Union-land: “That’s not my job! Don’t Ask!”
Please judge how good a job we are doing based upon your extensive security experience. Impress us with your perspicacity.
Projection Test: Let us know the real story about us.
You’re Special: The Rules only apply to other people.
Maturity Check Point: Pass/Fail grading
Civility Lessons: free to try
Your parenting skills demonstrated. Your kids’ years of therapy are ensured. Good Job!
Hand-Eye Coordination: Tested at the door.
Ahimsa! or I’ll kick your ass.!
Conscious and Unconscious Prejudice Review: please communicate by facial expressions
Frustration Testing: Wait here a second. Please.
Common courtesy? What are you talking about?
Inaccurate Information Desk: Questions answered at your own risk.
OMG, I do NOT talk to guards!
Mental Acuity Check: Please proceed without stopping.
Check Out Our Staff! Please!
Insult Room: Ask about our specials.
Obvious Answers Given Here
Right! Like you do not radiate; “I can’t be trusted”; I’m totally fooled!
Complain, it will make you feel better; or not. We just appear to care.
Resentment Check here. Best frowns only please.
Entitlement Center: You deserve it!
We really can’t help you; or anybody, really.
OMG; The guard speaks! Will wonders never cease?
Keeping a Straight Face: Master Lessons Here.
Yep, still working!
Today’s intelligence test:
Sally and Sam are the same age. Sam is 25. How old is Sally?
(My Guard partner, in all seriousness says: 18!)
Personal Media User Isolation Test: Blink twice for access
Be Rude! Everyone else is! Don’t be different.
Union-land: “That’s not my job! Don’t Ask!”
Please judge how good a job we are doing based upon your extensive security experience. Impress us with your perspicacity.
Projection Test: Let us know the real story about us.
You’re Special: The Rules only apply to other people.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Lobby Thoughts #2
Yep, I am only this way because my predecessor trained me to act this way; I was a tabla raza until he molded me! Now I just need to follow your advice to become perfected. Like learning the obscure hobby of my predecessor. Thank you for your guidance!
Legends in Our Own Mind: Ask us how you can join.
Mental Health Demonstration Area: 3 second time limit.
Medication Effectiveness Check: BOGO!
Oops, Sorry! I was taught to be polite. My mistake!
Never Say “Thank You” or "Sorry". It makes you look weak.
Rudeness is not a skill.
If a guard somewhere once did something stupid, you will be assumed to have done or about to do something equally stupid.
Your bosses do not feel the need to tell you the truth.
We love the condescension of the faux ivy leaguers
Perverts: Check-in here
Assumptions Collection & Recycling Point: Throw them or Drop them off here!
Of course you can interrupt!, I couldn’t be doing anything more important., I have been waiting my whole life, for this moment, to serve you.
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn what you think.
Personal Hygiene Check: Move along rapidly please
Reading Comprehension Tested Daily
Glare Zone: Sunglasses are appreciated.
We respect and fear you! Now, don’t you feel better?
You think I’m professional?; you should see my boss!
We abase ourselves. At your service, your Highness!
Just Cuz We R Nice, Don’t Mean We Love You.
Please tell us how things are supposed to be.
Please hold grudges; we do it all the time.
Tolerance!: we will not tolerate anything else!
Yes, I see that you Are Woman!, but please do not roar here.
We are not allowed to bite…until sicced (sic) on you by management!
No, We are Not looking at your ta ta’s today.
Your condescension is appreciated!
Reaction Time Test: Athlete____; Average___; Petrified Squirrel____
Thanks for reminding us of our place!
Public Lobby Duty Thoughts
My name?: Tommy Atkins
Please don't ask me any technical questions, I just got hired for my size.
Please don't ask me any technical questions, I just got hired for my size.
Just Security: We don’t know nothing!
Got Courtesy? No? OK, Keep moving, please.
Petty Fascists; Welcome!
My name? Mr. Golem
My Job? Security Escutcheon
Yes, the whole world IS out to get YOU!
Please bath occasionally. Thank you!
Yes, we are doing Nothing and are available to watch your kids, bike, luggage or your 6 ft rabbit, Harvey.
Remaining Vestiges of Humanity? Outpatient Surgery Here
Humor Impairment Support Group
When asking a question, we recommend you remove your headphones playing loud music, just so you can hear our answer.
Yes, it is our fault you got a virus from the wi-fi system: it could not have come from those porn sites you were on all day or the links you click on each email you receive. It is unfair of anyone to ask you to install anti-virus software on your personal computer.
Of course I believe everything you are telling me! Everyone lies but you!
Got Attitude?
Homeless Folks: Free charging of your cell phones, i-pods, PDAs and notebook computers.
If you sneak up behind me, reach around and thrust your merchandise in my face while whistling in my ear loudly to get my attention. Please appreciate the fact that I did not lose my composure and act precipitously… It would have left a mark.
Come up quietly behind us and then tap us on the shoulder! Surprising reactions free!
For whom does the RFID buzzer buzz? It buzzes for thee.
Don’t bring none; won’t be none.
Don’t mean nothing, snake.
If I meet you outside you won’t recognize me.
Nope! Ya ain’t gotta check in here.
No, No; Thank You!
Actually we are not judging you as much as we are trying to judge your potentiality for violence or disruption of the wa.
Judge Us! We value your uninformed opinion!
Social Contract? We don’t need no stinking social contract!
5150-ville
No fellatio in the aisles please.
Hey, is that Eau de Toilet you are wearing? Unforgettable!
Just because you may be an expert in your field does not make you an expert in mine.
I know you don’t see me within your first 5 seconds in the building, don’t be surprised that I am not staring at you when you finally do notice me and I can entertain you with a “G'd Day!”. Just because our eyes don’t meet doesn’t mean I am not paying attention to your awe-inspiring presence.
Whatever I am doing at the precise moment you happen to notice me; is what I do all day long.
No need to acknowledge the help. What are servants for, anyway?
Catering to your need for respect and recognition…
Where is the xyz? You are leaning on it. Oh.
Yes, our guards report your actions, purchases and website visits to the CIA and Mossad.
Don’t hate me until you get to know me!
Urban Nomads: Welcome
If no one is around when the theft detection buzzer sounds does it make a noise?
Please treat me as nothing and then ask my help.
Remember any 23 y/o admin is smarter, calmer and more knowledgeable than any security guard. They will be happy to tell you how to handle any situation. You're just "The Guard".
Hold it! Please! Do not pee in the elevators.
Socialization Skills: Demonstration Center
We are all psycho; except you of course.
Magical Thinking Center
Assume Racism First!
Award given for best “Arrogant Dismissal of the Little People” You are todays winner!
Thugs-R-Us
You have the right to not smell bad.
You have the right to use deodorant,
If you do take a bath you will have all citizens give thanks, if you refuse to take a bath, everything you say and do will be held against you.
Yes, we know that as an adolescent, you are exploring and determining your capabilities, personal power and place in the world. We don’t care! Obey the rules or go away.
Yep, we are even slower than you think.
I’m a guard, you are not; therefore you are always right and I am always wrong. If I seem to be right it is because I copied your guidance-somehow.
We have no idea what we are doing. Please tell us what we should be doing.
Che and Fidel look-a-likes. Convention is in the basement. [Courtesy of your local, friendly, running dog, hired, fascist mercenaries of the corporate oligarchy.]
Che and Fidel look-a-likes. Convention is in the basement. [Courtesy of your local, friendly, running dog, hired, fascist mercenaries of the corporate oligarchy.]
Thursday, May 27, 2010
How to Keep Your Guard Job.
These are the basics I have written in my pocket notebook to remind me of the most important rules to remaining employed. These have worked for me. You can use these or write your own. Be careful; your bosses and customers are a greater danger to your livelihood than the bad guys!
THE RULES:
Be Pleasant, always Smile, be Kind, be Nice
Be polite; always. But not obsequious.
Be respectful; especially if they do not deserve it; especially to your bosses and clients.
STFU
MYOB
98% of everybody is crazy/don't expect reason or rationality.
GTM: Get the Money; ie: get paid, keep your job
GTM: Guard the Mouth (same as STFU)
You are less than zero in their eyes and are assumed wrong; for they think they know your job better than you ever will.
It is Not personal; they don't know You and don't care to. They assume you are like that "other dumb/petty guard" they once met.
People and things are the way they are, not the way you wish they were.
Expect immaturity, pettiness, narcissism and vindictiveness.
No sniveling: don't complain.
Remember: No One Cares
The right answer to any legal directive is "Yes, Sir!"
Never forget you have a JOB and need the money!
Nice is better than tough and better than smart.
Don't correct your bosses. They are always right (in their opinion anyway.) (Ideas and suggestions must be carefully couched to show the benefit to them, not you or the firm's security.)
Never repeat suggestions or ideas more than 3 times in a month. It make you a troublemaker in their minds.
Don't kiss their butts, they will know you are insincere.
You can't afford "attitude". You must be the way they want; mild, cooperative and simple.
Righteous indignation is the road to termination.
Expect to be ignored, disrespected and micro-managed.
Never tell them how to do their job.
Chill. Stay frosty. Be calm and cool. Never lose your temper.
Just assume they are looking for a reason to fire you!
Anyone can be surly or sullen (and many guards are.) It takes work to be nice, no matter the situation.
PAY ATTENTION! Be seen to be paying attention.
Isn't guard work just great! ;)
These are the basics I have written in my pocket notebook to remind me of the most important rules to remaining employed. These have worked for me. You can use these or write your own. Be careful; your bosses and customers are a greater danger to your livelihood than the bad guys!
THE RULES:
Be Pleasant, always Smile, be Kind, be Nice
Be polite; always. But not obsequious.
Be respectful; especially if they do not deserve it; especially to your bosses and clients.
STFU
MYOB
98% of everybody is crazy/don't expect reason or rationality.
GTM: Get the Money; ie: get paid, keep your job
GTM: Guard the Mouth (same as STFU)
You are less than zero in their eyes and are assumed wrong; for they think they know your job better than you ever will.
It is Not personal; they don't know You and don't care to. They assume you are like that "other dumb/petty guard" they once met.
People and things are the way they are, not the way you wish they were.
Expect immaturity, pettiness, narcissism and vindictiveness.
No sniveling: don't complain.
Remember: No One Cares
The right answer to any legal directive is "Yes, Sir!"
Never forget you have a JOB and need the money!
Nice is better than tough and better than smart.
Don't correct your bosses. They are always right (in their opinion anyway.) (Ideas and suggestions must be carefully couched to show the benefit to them, not you or the firm's security.)
Never repeat suggestions or ideas more than 3 times in a month. It make you a troublemaker in their minds.
Don't kiss their butts, they will know you are insincere.
You can't afford "attitude". You must be the way they want; mild, cooperative and simple.
Righteous indignation is the road to termination.
Expect to be ignored, disrespected and micro-managed.
Never tell them how to do their job.
Chill. Stay frosty. Be calm and cool. Never lose your temper.
Just assume they are looking for a reason to fire you!
Anyone can be surly or sullen (and many guards are.) It takes work to be nice, no matter the situation.
PAY ATTENTION! Be seen to be paying attention.
Isn't guard work just great! ;)
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