Guard Stories again

While living in what Nietzsche called “pitiable comfort”, I have heard from fellow guards some interesting stories.


The guard who routinely left the site he was "protecting" to go home until shifts end and returning in his pajamas to sign out.


The guard who went to the movies in uniform with gun during his shift on Friday and Saturday nights.


The guard who slept with the client during his shift each night.

The guard who slept every graveyard shift and worked a "real job" each day. [This is quite common....no one checks.]


The guard who stole every case of toilet paper and paper towels from the janitorial closets.


The guard who trained his new partner where the petty cash was kept so they could use the vending machines for "free" each night.


The guard who peed in the executive suite potted plants. The day guard who responded to reports of a strong smell of urine in the executive suite.

The armed guard who refuses to carry his gun loaded. He says he can't trust himself not to get angry and shoot somebody. [Oh, well we appreciate that!]


One guard is routinely seen on the streets of his city carrying his holstered duty gun, handcuffs, baton and badge in plain clothes while shopping and running errands. Guards must by law be on duty or going to/from work as a guard in uniform to carry a gun. This guard thinks he is a cop.


Another guard shows up for his first day of work as an armed guard wearing only his gun and uniform--no other "accessories" . (Now this is not unusual but leaves only lethal force to address every problem he/she may encounter.) He had one magazine and then complains he has no ammunition. He then roots in his shoulder bag and find one round of ammo. (ala Barney Fife?) He then loads that one round into his gun and immediately shoots himself in the foot.


Another guard shows up with all shiny new equipment and a Sam Browne belt. He's ready! His partner mentions that he has no belt keepers. What are those the new guy asks. His partner says draw your gun. He tries...the holster, gun and belt rise to his armpit and he can't get he gun out of the holster.


Another guard shows up so drunk he can't stand up and passes out in the security office.

Some guards spend the whole night in the Security Office and perform no patrols. They watch DVDs.


Another guard draws his baton to strike a fly on the 32" flat screen CCTV monitor. Breaks the monitor...misses the fly. Blames the previous shifts guards.


Another guard is smoking marijuana in the security office. The office next door calls and reports they can smell marijuana in the vents. The smoker says he'll go investigate.


Another guard parked his car in the restricted executive parking lot. He gets off duty at midnight and no one has a card key for that lot. He takes bus home.


The guard who dropped his gun, it went off when he tried to catch it... so he made up a story about a drive-by shooting.

The guard who left his gun in the restroom. It disappears.He doesn't report this to anyone. His partner helped search for it and stole it.

Your guards are often apathetic disgruntled racists, anarchists, communists, socialists and transnational progressives. When speaking with them they evince the usual single issue sound bite justification for their beliefs. This is so tiring that when they begin  what I call a "standard political rant" I quickly say that I do not discuss politics, religion or the government when on duty and my personal beliefs are personal.


There's a million stories in the guard world...many worse than these.