Public Lobby Duty Thoughts

My name?: Tommy Atkins

Please don't ask me any technical questions, I just got hired for my size.

Just Security: We don’t know nothing!

Got Courtesy? No? OK, Keep moving, please.

Petty Fascists; Welcome!

My name? Mr. Golem

My Job? Security Escutcheon

Yes, the whole world IS out to get YOU!

Please bath occasionally. Thank you!

Yes, we are doing Nothing and are available to watch your kids, bike, luggage or your 6 ft rabbit, Harvey.

Remaining Vestiges of Humanity? Outpatient Surgery Here

Humor Impairment Support Group

When asking a question, we recommend you remove your headphones playing loud music, just so you can hear our answer.

Yes, it is our fault you got a virus from the wi-fi system: it could not have come from those porn sites you were on all day or the links you click on each email you receive. It is unfair of anyone to ask you to install anti-virus software on your personal computer.

Of course I believe everything you are telling me! Everyone lies but you!

Got Attitude?

Homeless Folks: Free charging of your cell phones, i-pods, PDAs and notebook computers.

If you sneak up behind me, reach around and thrust your merchandise in my face while whistling in my ear loudly to get my attention. Please appreciate the fact that I did not lose my composure and act precipitously… It would have left a mark.

Come up quietly behind us and then tap us on the shoulder! Surprising reactions free!

For whom does the RFID buzzer buzz? It buzzes for thee.

Don’t bring none; won’t be none.

Don’t mean nothing, snake.

If I meet you outside you won’t recognize me.

Nope! Ya ain’t gotta check in here.

No, No; Thank You!

Actually we are not judging you as much as we are trying to judge your potentiality for violence or disruption of the wa.

Judge Us! We value your uninformed opinion!

Social Contract? We don’t need no stinking social contract!

5150-ville

No fellatio in the aisles please.

Hey, is that Eau de Toilet you are wearing? Unforgettable!

Just because you may be an expert in your field does not make you an expert in mine.

I know you don’t see me within your first 5 seconds in the building, don’t be surprised that I am not staring at you when you finally do notice me and I can entertain you with a “G'd Day!”. Just because our eyes don’t meet doesn’t mean I am not paying attention to your awe-inspiring presence.

Whatever I am doing at the precise moment you happen to notice me; is what I do all day long.

No need to acknowledge the help. What are servants for, anyway?

Catering to your need for respect and recognition…

Where is the xyz? You are leaning on it. Oh.

Yes, our guards report your actions, purchases and website visits to the CIA and Mossad.

Don’t hate me until you get to know me!

Urban Nomads: Welcome

If no one is around when the theft detection buzzer sounds does it make a noise?

Please treat me as nothing and then ask my help.

Remember any 23 y/o admin is smarter, calmer and more knowledgeable than any security guard. They will be happy to tell you how to handle any situation. You're just "The Guard".

Hold it! Please! Do not pee in the elevators.

Socialization Skills: Demonstration Center

We are all psycho; except you of course.

Magical Thinking Center

Assume Racism First!

Award given for best “Arrogant Dismissal of the Little People” You are todays winner!

Thugs-R-Us

You have the right to not smell bad.

You have the right to use deodorant,

If you do take a bath you will have all citizens give thanks, if you refuse to take a bath, everything you say and do will be held against you.

Yes, we know that as an adolescent, you are exploring and determining your capabilities, personal power and place in the world. We don’t care! Obey the rules or go away.

Yep, we are even slower than you think.

I’m a guard, you are not; therefore you are always right and I am always wrong. If I seem to be right it is because I copied your guidance-somehow.

We have no idea what we are doing. Please tell us what we should be doing.

Che and Fidel look-a-likes. Convention is in the basement. [Courtesy of your local, friendly, running dog, hired, fascist mercenaries of the corporate oligarchy.]